People always ask me if I golf.
Yeah... I golf.
The real question is, "How many golf balls are you willing to donate to Mother Nature today?"
I'm not out there trying to break course records.
I'm just trying to finish with the same number of balls I started with.
Some people keep score.
I'm over here keeping score of golf balls.
"Started with twelve..."
"Found three."
"Lost nine."
"I think I still came out ahead."
I swear every pond on a golf course has my name on it.
If a ball can find water from 100 yards away, somehow mine will.
Trees?
They're basically giant magnets.
Sand traps?
I've become such a regular visitor they ought to start charging me rent.
Then there's the golfers who act like they're playing on the PGA Tour.
They're reading the green from six different angles, calculating the wind speed, checking humidity, and discussing grass length.
Buddy...
I'm just hoping I hit the same fairway as everyone else.
Now here's something I've learned.
For me, golf has a strange science to it.
The first few holes?
Terrible.
Everything hurts.
My back feels like I slept on a pile of concrete blocks.
People tell me, "You swing funny."
No kidding.
When your back sounds like a bowl of Rice Krispies every time you bend over, you're not exactly swinging like a twenty-five-year-old.
I'm not trying to invent a new golf swing.
I'm just trying to make it through eighteen holes without needing a chiropractor waiting at the clubhouse.
Then something magical happens.
A couple cold drinks later...
The shoulders loosen up.
The back quits complaining... or maybe it just gives up arguing.
By the time I get to the 13th hole, suddenly I'm hitting decent shots.
Not because I've become Tiger Woods overnight.
I'm just relaxed enough to quit trying to murder the golf ball.
Funny how that works.
The harder you try, the worse you play.
The moment you stop caring so much...
Boom.
Straight down the fairway.
Golf is the only game where relaxing actually improves your score.
And let's settle another debate.
Walking the course?
That's great if you're training for a marathon.
Me?
I'll take the golf cart every single time.
Why walk five miles carrying clubs when there's a perfectly good cart sitting there waiting?
The golf cart is half the fun anyway.
Cruising around with your buddies...
Talking trash...
Looking for everybody's lost golf balls...
Arguing over who owes who a hot dog at the turn...
That's what makes golf fun.
At the end of the day, I don't care if I shoot a 78 or a 108.
I got outside.
Had a few laughs.
Probably invented a few new swear words.
Donated another sleeve of golf balls to the course.
And if I happen to hit one perfect shot all day...
Well...
That's enough to convince me I'll definitely be back next weekend to lose a whole new box.
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