People are always surprised when I tell them I've never been in a fight. That's right—not one. Growing up, you'd think there would have been at least one schoolyard scuffle or parking lot showdown, but somehow I managed to keep my face looking exactly the way it came from the factory.
Now don't get me wrong. I enjoy watching MMA. Those athletes are on another level. They train for years, know a hundred different ways to fold a human being like a lawn chair, and somehow still hug each other after trying to rearrange each other's facial features for fifteen minutes. That's talent... and probably a pretty good ice pack.
Me? My fighting style is a little different.
Step one: Stay calm.
Step two: Realize nothing good comes from explaining to the police why someone is wearing your boot print on their backside.
Step three: Wait for the other person to cool off... or simply walk away.
It's amazing how many problems disappear when somebody finally runs out of things to yell about.
I've never believed that every disagreement has to end with somebody swinging. Most arguments aren't worth bruised knuckles, black eyes, or explaining to your boss why you look like you lost a boxing match with a lawn mower.
As a carpenter, I already wake up sore enough. The last thing I need is to add, "punched in the jaw by a guy arguing over a parking spot" to the list of reasons I need ibuprofen.
Sure, I don't back down easily. Standing your ground doesn't always mean standing toe-to-toe. Sometimes it means having enough self-control to let someone else have the last word while you keep your dignity—and all your teeth.
Besides, if I got into an actual MMA cage, the announcer would probably say:
"In the blue corner... weighing in at 'just wants to go home'... introducing Chad!"
My game plan would be simple:
Dodge.
Breathe heavily.
Wonder why the cage door suddenly seems so far away.
Hope the referee mistakes me for the ring announcer.
Life gives us enough battles without volunteering for extra ones. I'd rather spend my weekends exploring back roads, working on projects, or grilling dinner than comparing medical bills after a pointless fight.
If someone wants to argue, they can have at it. I'll be the guy walking away, still smiling, because the best fight is usually the one that never happens.
After all, I've made it this far without throwing a punch. I'd say my undefeated record is doing just fine.
