Primary Elections: Choosing the Best of the "Meh"

 

It's primary election season again!

You know... that magical time of year when politicians suddenly remember you exist.

One minute they're nowhere to be found. The next, they're shaking hands, kissing babies, flipping pancakes, and pretending they know what a gallon of milk costs.

Amazing coincidence.

Every election I tell myself, "This is it. This is the year an incredible candidate comes along."

Then the debates start...

...and I begin wondering if Netflix has anything new.

I'm not promoting any of the progressive left this election. That's just where I stand. But honestly, looking over the candidate pool lately, I'm wondering if this was the best the political talent scout could find.

Did they hold tryouts?

Was there a draft?

Or did everyone qualified look at the job description and say, "Yeah... hard pass."

Campaign commercials are my favorite.

"I'm Bob. My opponent is literally the reason your socks don't match."

"I'm Susan. Bob once drove 36 in a 35."

"I'm Steve. If elected, I promise to lower taxes, fix the roads, cure inflation, balance the budget, eliminate traffic, and somehow make Mondays enjoyable."

Sure you will, Steve.

Then comes debate night.

Nobody answers the question.

It's basically professional dodgeball.

Moderator:
"So what's your economic plan?"

Candidate:
"Well, before I answer that, let me tell you why my opponent was probably responsible for dinosaurs going extinct."

Perfect. That clears everything up.

Election day finally arrives.

You proudly walk into the polling station, grab your ballot, and immediately start looking around for the hidden camera.

"This has to be a prank."

You scan the names.

You scan them again.

You start looking for the write-in line just to see if your neighbor Larry suddenly sounds like presidential material.

At this point I'd vote for the person whose campaign slogan is simply:

"I probably won't make things worse."

Honestly... that's refreshingly realistic.

Meanwhile, every campaign promises they're going to "fight for the people."

Funny how that fight usually ends the day after the election.

Then they disappear faster than free donuts in a construction break room.

Don't get me wrong—I'll still vote.

I believe voting matters, even when the choices feel like you're picking which self-checkout machine is least likely to yell, "PLEASE PLACE ITEM IN THE BAGGING AREA!"

Maybe one of these years we'll get candidates who spend more time explaining what they'll actually do instead of convincing us civilization ends if the other person wins.

Until then, I'll do my civic duty, fill in the little bubble, walk out with my "I Voted" sticker, and proudly wear it while thinking...

"Well... I guess I survived another episode of America's Got Politicians."

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going home to mute the campaign commercials... at least until the next election reminds me they're somehow even more important than the last one.